Is there anything that you miss now?

Looking back, I always told Calvin that once a year, I wish to enjoy nature, the thing that I couldn't do much in this area.

I also told him, wish when we grow old, we could live in the countryside.

But nowadays, can I still dare to hope, while life is so vulnerable.

though I learn my only hope is on God, yes, when I read those sad news everyday, make me broke.

I just pray that God give me time to live as a family.

 

Jujur katakan Salah

Dalam berkomunikasi dengan anak, banyak hal yang membuat saya mempertimbangkan kosakata yang akan digunakan.
Istilah memperhalus kata, memoles kata sedemikian agar anak itu mengerti dan yang paling utama selalu mengusahakan agar anak tidak merasa jatuh dengan ucapan yang ada.

Contoh pertama, Ketika anak umur 5 tahun yang memukul temannya, kita tidak langsung katakan dia nakal karena ini memberikan label nakal kepada diri anak itu.
Selebihnya kita katakan, perbuatan dia salah dan harus sayang kepada teman karena dia ciptaan Tuhan.
Namun perbuatan itu terus terulang dan sebagai orang dewasa juga terus mengulang untuk menyanyangi teman disertai dengan doa berharap anak ini berubah karena dia masih kecil.

Contoh kedua, ketika anak 10thn diinjak oleh kakak 11thn memasuki usia pra remaja dan dilihat oleh guru. Dinasehati oleh guru dengan kata "jangan bermain kasar".
Kemudian hari, anak usia 10thn ini menginjak adik usia 9thn berulang dua kali dan menganggap ini hanya "main kasar". Padahal keduanya tidak sedang ada interaksi bermain dan tiba saja anak usia 10thn ini datang menginjak. Yang kemudian orang tua pun menyetujui anak itu hanya main kasar saja.

Hal ini sungguh membuat saya bertanya-tanya. Apa batasan dalam memperhalus kata-kata?

"Main kasar"
Apa itu konsep bermain di pikiran anak- anak? Bermain itu adalah melakukan hal yang menyenangkan hati. Jika kedua belah pihak merasakan senang barulah itu bermain.

Apa arti kasar dalam benak anak? - lawan kata lembut,halus, yah kalo tidak halus yah kasar.

Lalu kata "main kasar" diterjemahkan sebagai masih bermain hanya tidak lembut.

Lantas jika perbuatan menginjak disamakan dengan "main kasar", tidaklah heran anak yang mengalami atau melakukan perbuatan itu cenderung mengulang kembali kepada orang lain. Karena dibenaknya, saya main koq, hanya tidak lembut, hanya kasar.

Bagaimana jika kelakukan menginjak ini dibawa sampai dewasa, akankah sekeliling mengatakan dia hanya "main kasar"?

Pilihan kata yang tidak tepat dapat menyesatkan.

Katakanlah bahwa "perbuatan anak itu salah" dan "anak itu menyakiti temannya".
Berikanlah pengertian yang dia lakukan adalah perbuatan dosa.
Siapa yang empunya manusia, Tuhan yang ciptakan. Tuhan mau kita mengasihi sesama bukan menyakiti sesama kita.
Apakah penjelasan demikian juga akan mengubah anak? Tidak juga. Tapi kita sudah katakan yang sejujurnya atas perbuatan yang anak lalukan. Bukan memperhalus hingga menyesatkan pengertian anak.

Saya tentunya masih terus belajar, oh kiranya Tuhan memberi hikmat dalam menjadi orangtua.

Siapa manusia? - Mengingat akan Mazmur 103:15-18.

Di hari yang sama ada berita pernikahan, ada berita kesukacitaan ulang tahun, namun ada berita dukacita yang kehilangan anak bayi yang lahir prematur, ada berita anak yang menderita sakit yang sulit disembuhkan.

Perasaan hati seperti roller coaster. Turut berbahagia, larut juga dalam kesedihan.
Saat demikian, pikiran menerawang "siapakah manusia"?

Mazmur 103:15-18 (TB)  Adapun manusia, hari-harinya seperti rumput, seperti bunga di padang demikianlah ia berbunga;
apabila angin melintasinya, maka tidak ada lagi ia, dan tempatnya tidak mengenalnya lagi.
Tetapi kasih setia TUHAN dari selama-lamanya sampai selama-lamanya atas orang-orang yang takut akan Dia, dan keadilan-Nya bagi anak cucu,
bagi orang-orang yang berpegang pada perjanjian-Nya dan yang ingat untuk melakukan titah-Nya.

Yah ada pengharapan akan Tuhan yang selalu mengasihi orang yang berpegang pada perjanjianNya dan melakukan titahNya. Be still my soul.

Thinking of my Lil Bro

Ah, I miss him so.

These was the last personal chat that I have with him on whatsapp.
One month before we say goodbye.

If you are here today, you might have graduate from SAAT Malang.
I have regreat not visiting you while you were there.

We might have a lot to talk with. Sharing about the ministry. Just remembering how you ride us with your motorcycle to attend spik.

Anyway. Wait for us.

Losing my Nap time

Beside Josh became a 3rd grade student, I also need to adapt with the new schedule.

Wake about 5am, couldn't have a nap time, fall asleep between 9-10pm.
It's work for a week.

Coming on the 2nd week. I'm struggling now. I'm night owl person. I love the quiet night. But now I need to stop all my activity earlier. Yet I still couldn't easily fall asleep.

I felt the most tired at 7pm. It's the time when calvin arrived home. These two days I have an ugly conversation with him which I regret it later. I keep push him and complain for little simple thing. Sigh.

I read about Paul trip article about this.
 "We all live in an endless series of mundane moments and little conversations. The next time you have a little conversation that turns ugly, don’t argue for your righteousness, shift the blame, or run away. Instead, appeal to the one thing in your life that’s sure and will never fail.
Leave the courtroom of your own defense, come out of hiding, and admit whom you are. But do so unafraid, because you’ve been personally and eternally blessed. Because of what Jesus did, God looks on you with mercy."

I pray I could do it better next time.
This morning I came to Calvin and said I'm sorry. He also knew that I'm tired.
My other plan, to write on this blog more often to ease my mind.

Hopefully I can adjust soon!

Dear Diary - Oldies

3Kardus besar hasil pindahan dari rumah Pho-pho nya Josh tergeletak di lantai menanti untuk dibereskan.

Menunggu dibelikan lemari baru.

Kalau sudah begini, pelan pelan satu per satu kulihat isinya.
Ternyata aku lumayan banyak nulis. Jika sekarang ada blog, dan bisa dibaca semua orang, maka dulu hanya menulis dibuku diari, dimana hanya aku dan Tuhan yang tahu isinya.

Dear Diary!

Istilah yang populer dimasa itu.

Saat senang, bahagia, sedih, gelisah, semua tertulis dengan begitu gamblang dan blak blak-an tanpa perlu memikirkan kata mana yang dipakai atau bagaimana yang baca.
Kejujuran yang terpampang.

Josh, aku akan cerita apa yang aku belajar dari melihat ke masa lalu.

Tentu bukan segudang item favorit, surat, pernak pernik, gambar fav yang masih tersimpan.

Tapi ada satu hal yang aku belajar didalam bekerja khususnya.

Aku dulu terlalu banyak pikir, pikir apakah ini ataukah itu. Tepatkah, benarkah?
Sedikit jauh keraguan itu mempengaruhi seberapa maksimal yang telah aku berikan dalam kerjaku - kerja di ladangNya.

Josh, biarlah kamu nanti boleh mengerti, ketika hal itu datang dan dipercayakan kepadamu. Tak usah banyak ragu, kerjakanlah dengan sepenuhnya seperti untuk Sang Pemilik Ladang bukan orang dunia ini. Jika selesai bagianmu, pastilah kau akan dipindahkan oleh Sang Pemilik.
Tak usah kau pikirkan kapan waktunya, karena Dialah yang tahu yang terbaik.

Aku masih mempunyai sisa hari. Saat ini, aku terus belajar untuk taat mengerjakan yang terbaik yang ada di hadapanku.

Dear Diari - suatu catatan langkah ku dimasa lampau.suatu pengantar untuk proses hari depanku.

Makhluk Sosial

Saat menulis hal ini, kesulitan pertama muncul pada saat harus menulis kata "makhluk". Sangking lamanya tak pernah tulis kata ini.

Istilah Manusia adalah Makhluk Sosial - yaitu manusia yang berinteraksi dengan sesama nya.
Namun dalam perjalanannya seringkali saya berpikir lebih baik mengerjakan sendiri apa yang bisa dikerjakan.
Bisa jadi dalam interaksi ada ketakutan mengecewakan dan dikecewakan.

Ok sebenarnya hanya ini cerita bagaimana koq tiba tiba kata ini muncul di pikiranku.

Hari ini Josh selesai sekolah jam 14.40.
Harus tepat waktu menjemput untuk segera pergi les jam 15.00 (satu2nya les di hari sekolah). Janjian dengan mbk akan anterin Josh ke gerbang sekolah.
Jam dirumah sudah menunjukkan 14.20.
Eitsss sampai depan pintu, mana nih kunci rumah. Gawat pagar juga terkunci.

Telpon mbk tidak masuk. Oh tidak.... menyesal kenapa tidak turutin papa supaya mbk kost saja yang antar Josh les biar aku istirahat dan sembuh dari batuk pilek yang mengganggu ini.

Telpon papa... ok akhirnya masuk. Pa, dimana kunci rumah? Kamu tadi pagi bawa yah?
Iya, rasanya ketinggalan di mobil.

Erhmmmm... gimana caranya mobil di depan pagar rumah.
Waktu terus berjalan.... pilihannya lompat pagar atau cari cara lain.

Saat itu didepan rumah ada ibu ibu yg memang biasa menyapu jalanan.
Interaksi bersama ibu-ibu hanya saat beberapa kali saya keluar memberikan makanan.
Selain itu tak pernah berbicara banyak.

Kuberanikan diriku. Sambil berdiri di pagar yang terkunci.
Bu, bu, mau minta tolong, kunci pagar ketinggalan di mobil aku tak bisa keluar.
Bolehkah tolong ibu lihat di mobil?
Ibu pun berjalan ke arah mobil lihat dijalanan. Dia bilang tidak ada.
Bu, tolong dibuka pintu mobilnya.
Terlihat ragu ragu, tapi saya memohon, ibupun akhirnya membukanya dan  yups ketemu kuncinya.
Wah senang akhirnya bisa keluar. Saya ucapkan terima kasih buat si ibu.

Karena buru buru saya hanya membalas dengan ucapan terima kasih. Dan saya merasakan ketulusan ibu membantu saya.
Sepanjang di perjalanan saya jadi belajar lagi, apa itu makhluk sosial.
Interaksi yang tidak memandang status, ras dan sebagainya. Saya alami hari ini.

Pilkada 2017

Treng.... Alarm berbunyi. Siap siap, hari ini Pilkada putaran kedua. Jam 06.30 langsung meluncur ke Jakarta. Wow, the fastest track ever. Tidak sampe 30menit sudah sampai di Cideng Timur.

Hari ini TPS terasa lebih sepi, waktu sudah pukul 07.00 tapi tak kunjung dimulai. 30menit berlalu, antrian mulai dapat menggunakan hak suaranya.

Sesudah selesai, kami pun kembali ke rumah. 

Mantap dengan sekitar 2 jam sudah bisa PP Serpong-Jakarta-Serpong ditambah dengan antri di TPS.

Sampai dirumah langsung mempersiapkan Josh untuk siap ke sekolah.

Saatnya menunggu... menunggu akan bagaimanakah hasil Pilkada ini.

Pukul 1 siang, siaran quick count sudah dimulai.

Hati terus berdoa memohon belas kasihan Tuhan untuk Jakarta.

Satu jam berlalu, dan asa pun mulai pupus. Bapak yang kupilih tampaknya sulit untuk menang.

Langit mendung dan hujan mengguyur di wilayah serpong, seakan menggambarkan hatiku yang menangis.

Saatnya menjemput Josh di sekolah.

Di sepanjang perjalanan, pikiran ku pun mulai menerawang.

Entah kenapa, aku pun mengingat kembali buku cerita anak mengenai Bapak Gereja John Calvin yang kubacakan bagi Josh.

Kala itu, John Calvin yang awalnya hanya singgah di Geneva, tertegur oleh Tuhan melalui ucapan temannya, dan Calvin pun mulai tinggal di Geneva untuk memperbaiki sistem negara termasuk juga ibadah didalamnya. Namun, penduduk tidak mau terima, mulai dari namanya digunakan untuk panggilan anjing, hingga akhirnya dia diusir dari Geneva itu.

Dalam perjalanan keluar dari Geneva, pelayan yang menemaninya pun menipu nya.

Ketika Geneva mengalami kesulitan didalam membalas surat kepada Roma saat itu, maka mereka teringat akan John Calvin, dan meminta bantuannya untuk membalaskan surat. Termasuk akhirnya meminta John Calvin kembali.

Akupun berpikir, jika aku diposisi itu, pasti enggan kembali, sudah ditolak, diusir, tidak ada jaminan bahwa akan diusir kembali.

Tapi apa yang terjadi? Calvin membantu Geneva membalaskan surat tersebut. Calvin akhirnya kembali ke Geneva dan melayani disana, menggerakan reformasi di segala bidang kehidupan.

Apa yang membuat Calvin kembali ke tempat dimana dia pernah disakiti? Karena ketaatannya akan Teguran dan Panggilan Tuhan.

Lantas Siapa kah kita? Kita - hanyalah seorang pekerja yang beroleh Anugerah dipilih oleh Tuhan  untuk melakukan pekerjaan yang telah dipersiapkanNya.

Dimanapun, kapanpun, bagaimanapun keadaannya, kerja!

Ditengah kelebihan dan kelemahan dari Calon Gubernur yang kupilih, dia telah berusaha melaksanakan dengan baik panggilannya. Perubahan yang dinanti-nantikan bertahun lamanya, serentak dan pasti mulai terlihat. Sudah banyak hal prestasi yang dicapai nya.

Namun, Ibukota ini telah mengusirnya dan menggantinya.

Ada rasa sedih, geram, kesal, dan terdiam.

Akan bagaimana kah keadaan Ibukota di masa yang akan datang?

Tidak tahu.

Yang pasti Tuhan mempunyai rencana untuk setiap pekerja-pekerja Nya. 

Berdoa kiranya Kemuliaan dan Kedaulatan Tuhan akan dinyatakan, didalam waktuNya.

Chit chat with Josh 6 Maret 2017

Ma: Josh tahu tidak besok hari ulang tahun pernikahan mama papa?
Josh: aku dapat apa ma?
Ma: Lo koq kamu yang dapat apa? Mestinya mama papa donk yg minta dari kamu.
Josh: Aku tidak ada. Aku tidak bisa beli.
Ma: Memang hadiah harus beli?
Josh: hmmm enggak.
Ma: Jadi kamu mau kasih hadiah apa?
Josh: Ohh Taat. Iya taat itu hadiah paling oke loo ma...
Ma: Benar yah. Kalo besok kamu tidak taat bagaimana?
Josh: Boleh dimarahin.
Ma: Hahaha..thanks Josh. Mama tunggu yah besok untuk taat. Kalo mama ingatkan kamu ngk boleh ngambek yah.

6.5thn Josh. (Padahal yah kemarin ini dia berpikir beli hadiah dengan uang angpaonya, mungkin dia sudah lupa dia ada simpanan :p)

Kelemahan dan Disiplin

Semalam dalam percapakan di mobil, Josh menanyakan, apa kelemahan mama.

Mama jawab, mama masih suka terbawa emosi, kurang sabar.

Kemudian Josh jawab, kalo Josh masih kurang taat. Kadang taat kadang tidak.

Lantas Josh lanjut tanya kepada papa. Kalo papa apa?. Papa jawab, bahwa papa kadang malas.

Josh: papa malas kalo dirumah saja. Kalo di kantor kan papa kerja loo.
(Ucapan josh sangat membesarkan hati papa).

Kemudian, Kita terangkan bahwa untuk bisa mengalahkan kelemahan kita, itu butuh latihan dan disiplin. Contohnya saat mama sudah panggil josh. Josh langsung ingat bahwa taat adalah hal yang baik, jadi Josh langsung taat.

Namun ternyata pembicaraan kemarin malam tidak berakhir begitu saja.

Hari ini, saat pulang sekolah, kami mampir (Josh, mama dan Pho-pho), kerumah ku-pho. Saat akan pulang langit sudah gelap, mama dah panik karena cucian 2 jemuran masih di luar rumah, sedangkan Pho-pho masih milih-milih sayur yang dijual gerobak dorong.

Sesudah akhirnya mama berteriak memanggil pho-pho agar segera. Baru jalan beberapa lama, hujan mulai netes.
Mama mulai ngomel, kenapa Pho-pho lama banget pilih nya, padahal sudah tahu mau hujan dan mau cepat-cepat, sekarang coba lihat hujan sudah turun.
Sambil mama mulai kebut setiran.

Pho-pho pun terdiam di mobil.
Mama pun mulai merasa bersalah. Harusnya bisa lebih sabar, Tuhan pssti bisa menolong dan bisa saja di depan rumah beneran belum hujan.

Ternyata benar, saat akan belok ke jalanan rumah, disana tidak hujan walaupun langit sudah mendung.
Pho-pho bilang, syukurlah tidak hujan.

Mama merasa menyesal praktek disiplin untuk kurang sabarnya tidak jalan, dan berkata kepada Pho-pho: Tuhan memang baik, Tuhan tidak mau pho-pho kena omelan anak nya yang galak (alias mama) karena hujan.
Josh nyeletuk: Iya, walo mama galak, tapi Josh tak apa..
Pho-pho bilang: Puji Tuhan...

Pembicaraan yang tidak biasanya dan kami tertawa bersama di mobil.

Sampai rumah, saat jemuran dipindahkan, hujan deras langsung turun, dan herannya cuma sebentar 5menit.
(Memang kalo kena ke baju jemuran, nyesek karena akan basah semua, tetapi kan baju bisa dicuci lagi).

Mama kembali belajar akan keajaiban Tuhan dan campur tangan Tuhan dalam kejadian hidup sehari hari.

Mellow March

March always remind me of him.
Instead of my wedding anniversary or Calvin birthday, my mind seem to flash back about the first time I receive his call from Malang, to let me know his condition and, how I met him at the airport and it's shocking me. How I tried to hide his illness from my mom, and arrange for doctor, and try to keep everything normal.

I couldn't tell it to a person, cause sometime people misunderstand me, that I couldn't move on.
But, It's just me, sometime I could sit back and my mind just flying back to my old memories.

Hmmm, but, this year 2016 March, I have another memories about the Sovereignty of God.
Why it's happen in March? For I know, God is good.

Morning Car Talk with Daddy

Saat melewati papan Iklan SMS, Josh melihat permainan House of Trap.
Josh: Pa, House of Trap itu keren loo..
Pa: Tapi nanti permainannya gelap loo Josh.
Josh: Tak apa Pa, Nanti sebelum masuk, aku berdoa dulu.

A New Year 2016

Kyaaa, this is my first post in 2016, and it's already February.
Time flies really fast.

Starting January 2016, it's like never ending day.
Whenever my free time come, I like to lay down.

Anyway, will write down some of our memories again.
In this years, seek God, Let do our best, be humble and fighting 😊

70th Indonesia Independence Day 17 August 2015

Josh school was on holiday. I remember when I'm in primary, every 17th August, I shall go to school for the ceremony i.e. raise the Flag.

I do hope Josh have the ceremony also in school. It's the important day and event for remind us the Independence means for us.

Beside, we shall think what we have done for our country.

For teaching Josh about our country, the simple way was turn on the Television and Watched the Live Ceremony from the State's Palace.

Josh was amazed with the ceremony.

I also sing our national theme song for him. Indonesia have lot of patriot song written in a great lyric and melody. You can feel the spirit.

As a visual, I raise the flag in front of our home and also wear red colour shirt.

Pray may God bless our Country Indonesia.

Mati Air

Sambil menunggu antrian air, tertulislah post ini.
Karena menyurutnya sungai cisadane akibat musim kemarau berkepanjangan, maka pasokan air bersih drop bahkan stop.

Sebenarnya musim kemarau ini aku sempat berpikir apakah akan sangat kesulitan air?. Dalam hatiku berharap jangan, selama ini aku dah berusaha hemat air.
Air hujan selalu kutampung untuk siram tanaman ataupun halaman, sisa air cuci sayuran selalu kupakai untuk tanaman. Apapun air yg masih bisa digunakan, akan kugunakan.

Namun hal ini mungkin tak berlaku bagi semua orang.
Sebenarnya penampungan air di rumah masih penuh, namun anak anak kost yang berada dibawah naunganku tak ada air.
Padahal sudah ada penampungan air, namun habis dalam semalam.

Yah mengalami bagaimana air tak ada. Hal yang menarik, banyak orang mulai berkomunikasi. Bercakap cakap untuk kesusahan yg sama, saling menyapa tetangga mana yang masih ada air sumur, saling menolong.
Ternyata bagus juga yah ada saat saat kesulitan seperti ini.

Tapi memang sih berharap tetap air bersih bisa jalan lagi dan setidaknya kita boleh belajar berhemat :)

To government, bisa memikirkan bagaimana ada lahan bisa dibangun bendungan atau waduk, jangan sampai hujan kebanjiran, kemarau kekeringan.

Water Spinach (Kangkung) and Baby Bitter Gourd/melon (Pare)

For almost 1 month far away from home, I didn't expect any of my plant will grow.

When I'm back, my maid told me that she harvest a lot of long bean. Yeah, I can see the plant turn baldy now.

Yesterday, she pointed out to me, the baby bitter gourd, yes baby. It's so cute.

Then this morning, after a long wait, I can see a flower bloom from water spinach. No wonder it's been called "morning glory" in Thailand.
Of course you can search and find the flower out, but to have it in front of the yard, defineatly different worth.

What a beautiful thing created by God, entrusted to us.

Patiently wait, for it's time to come.

Feeling blue....

Last Year, April, we started to know how serious my brother illness. We been busy and worried of his condition, being hospitalized for weeks.

Time might pass, but he still remind in my mind
How he talk, and how he show his love to us.
How he giggle, grumble and wiggle with us.
How he struggle, the up and down moment with us.
He might not be a perfect brother, but he being part of our family for 30 years, and that's matter.

What keep me and Josh can move forward cause we know that you are in our Father Hand. That someday, when we finish our race, we will surely back to the same place..

Miss u our brother, William Tan.

End of Year 2014, Welcoming 2015

For the very last day of year, how will we spent it?

Me?
Usually gather with the family, having dinner, chit chat, and do some talk about life reflection.

Last year, just mom, me, Josh and Calvin dine homemade sushi, then watched a firework in the nearest mall. While bro in Malang, Sista in Bali and the lil Sista viait her friend.

This year, sista in waiting for delivering the baby, the lil sista joined the youth camp in Malang.
But since we heard about Air Asia missing and found debrished, my memory flying back, remind me of how we felt when Daddy pass away.

At that time, we also planned to having a great holiday on chinese new year, but car accident took Daddy and both my cousins.
What you have planned, everything gone in second. What more miserable, while everyone surrounding celebrate the chinese new year, all of our family gather in the funeral house. For some people have thought our family have been punished with so tragic incident.

Therefore, relate to Air Asia, to lose someone who we love in such sudden moment, is really hard. Need time to recover from it and took years.

Thinking about it, I just like to spent my last day of this year in home.
Cook a meals which favour by Daddy, Josh and Mom.
Sit on sofa and spent the night.
Not forget to pray and give thanks for all that we still have.
God owe nothing to us, and we didn't deserve anything, so if we have it today, it all blessing and treasure it.

2014 will pass and 2015 is coming.

Love n Hug
Erlina

Regreat, Reflect, Relieve

Already December 2014?
It's feel like just yesterday December 2013, we have a family moment - my sista got married, busy and happy with all the details. I have year end holiday, a family time with mom, Calvin and Josh in my hometown. And still remember planning for 2014 holiday to Malang in March. Waiting for my bro semester break in January. And suddenly everything run faster when we need to fight together with liver cancer.

December 2014 means it's already 3 months my brother left us.

The hardest part, when we back home, we saw everything still there, except our brother. All medicine, his shirt, book, bed, everything. When we open the refrigerator, we still saw the birthday cake prepared by his friend. All the routine that we done everyday for about 6months suddenly stop. We couldn't laugh, cry, mad, giggling at him anymore. No more his voice, his appearance.

At first we deeply try not to talk about anything.
But when it's too hard to bear, when we talked, more often from my mom, it's all about regreat.
Why we didn't take this move, why didn't try it, why we know it late, why we didn't pay attention more, why, why, and never ending why.
Honestly I did having a conflict with my mom, hearing all the why, also feels like hearing all the blame. I feel so sensitive with all the why.
I want to buried that "Why" deeply, I want to forget it.
Cause I afraid, all my decision regarding to my brother illness, actually can be better. It's means from the start, I always questioning my self about that "Why".
Till one point when my brother left us, I try to stop, asked forgiveness from Lord, and wish for God mercy for helping me relieve from the self regreat.

When I was a child, I think I'm having a happy life.
The first turbulance in the family when my Daddy suddenly decided to move to Jakarta. It's feel hard. I knew when my Daddy need to wake at 2am and sold the cake to midnite mass market. If my mom used to brought my chinese new year dress from mall, now I need to buy it from tradisional market with a cheap price.
One night my Dad went home and shocked because his friend cheat and took away his money. That lil money might not means anything, but that all we have.
But we can endure it, cause we have full as family. There was Dad, Mom, me, bro and 2 lil sisters.

The first thing that happen that make this Family won't be the same anymore was My Dad pass away because of car accident.
Who ever dream about losing the parent? We still in the age of needing them very much. Even till we old, we still wish to having them with us.
For half year I saw my mom kept crying, look like insane person. I couldn't do much, just facing a school task was already a big matter for me at that time.
Once my bro told me that during those day, there one time my mom hug him and cry. There was an incident where my mom money got cheat also. She tought someone will help her, cause she need to feed the child.
Economically, it's harder. Still God always fulfill our need. Not much, not less also. Still there was people in our big family who kept their eyes and help for us.
Again, after years we have used to live without Dad.

I guess 2012 was the years for us. The first ever family outing out of town together.

Then mom got cancer, yet we still have hope and fight together, at least we know the survival rate was at least "years".
This moment open our eyes, you never know when ur life will end, how we live our life then?!.

I guess this also lead to my brother decision for learning theology in 2013.
We was so happy sending him to seminary in August 2013. It was just a year ago.

Who knows what will happen to August 2014?
He didn't attend the seminary, but he lay down in the bed, struggling day to day with the illness, a skinny body, a big tummy, a weak feeling, losing an appetite.

Yes, looking at him, really broke my heart.
When he couldn't bath him self anymore in June, the first time I help him, he sit beside the bed, then using a wash towel, when I touched his body, it was all bone, nothing left.
I wanna cry out loud at that time, but I hold back, cause I think he have cry harder in his heart already. Even calvin having a shock only looking of his body. Even mom never have a courage to wash his body.

With God, facing my brother illness, actually, I couldn't asked for more.
If God given 6months for us, personally I shall be greatful.
Why?
I share the story now. In the past when my daddy pass away, I always have one prayer in my life, please, please if possible please never taken someone in my inner family in so sudden way. I'm very afraid of losing someone in that way. At least if possible prepare me for the situation if I need to say another goodbye.

If look at my brother physical condition, we feel very sorry and sad. But how he face his condition till the end, really amazed me. He feel sad cause he know his time will come when he need to say goodbye and seperate with us, yet he never blame God for anything.

I told the story about my brother, at year 98, when my Dad pass away in accident, actually me and my brother on the same car also with 2 cousins.
The accident took my Dad, and both of my cousins. Only left me with my brother.
He was only 14 years old.
The accident could took both of us also, but we have been given another chance of life.
Years after years have been given to my brother till he decided to giving his rest of life for God's work.

When everything over, I look back at my life, what I have done?!.
Looking at my life now, I feel ashamed.
Then, I didn't know how to maintain a better relationship with mom, cause everything seem bit hard, how to comfort my mom, while I couldn't hear her regreat about my brother. I feel depress somehow. There lot's of hard night sleep.

Yet, there God mercy.
When I visiting Malang, I have a chance for having counseling hour in there.
That the first time I told about the relationship between me, mom and my brother, the good and conflict, all discuss.
Even just an hour, I got to sense how my mom might feel, how her past might mold her as today. When it too hard for us to hear her story about our bro, it's ok to asked help from someone else. It need time even years for mourning and all normal.
Me, my self, have my own conflict with mom in my heart.
I need to forgive and forget it first before I could comfort her. I know I would never ever replace my brother place. Yet I wish she could see and accept me and my sisters who always try to do something to comfort her and wish for her happiness.

Another reflect moment was when in one seminar where I got reminded the purpose of creation is to glorify God. Our life to be called for glorify Him. Every person might have a different path, different situation, facing a different challange in life towards this goal.

Now, it was December 2014,
Mom been busy with us also. Me and Josh who got sick, Sista who waiting for baby, lil Sista with her work, a lot of Christmas event.
Mom have try to move on also.

I hope we could do a lil better day by day, have a fighting spirit, love one another, and most important, always seek God will in our life.

~ 7 December 2014

Chit Chat with Josh - Next Cake

So today, his friend having birthday in school.
I asked his opinion.
He said, all superman, his friend like superman. He got a superman shirt.
Then I aksed him, what do you want for you next birthday cake?
"Boom". Kyaaa... still angry bird theme...
I told him, it's kinda difficult, your cake will be black colour.
Josh: Ma, you can use oreo, just the biscuit, take the white out.
Ma: I make a triangle shape right?(mistakenly think boom is triangle shape).
Josh: Nope, you should make it circle, then put a yellow on the head, then the eyes, bla bla bla...

I'm really amazed of how he told me to make his 'wish' cake.
Think to try it later *grin*