Regreat, Reflect, Relieve

Already December 2014?
It's feel like just yesterday December 2013, we have a family moment - my sista got married, busy and happy with all the details. I have year end holiday, a family time with mom, Calvin and Josh in my hometown. And still remember planning for 2014 holiday to Malang in March. Waiting for my bro semester break in January. And suddenly everything run faster when we need to fight together with liver cancer.

December 2014 means it's already 3 months my brother left us.

The hardest part, when we back home, we saw everything still there, except our brother. All medicine, his shirt, book, bed, everything. When we open the refrigerator, we still saw the birthday cake prepared by his friend. All the routine that we done everyday for about 6months suddenly stop. We couldn't laugh, cry, mad, giggling at him anymore. No more his voice, his appearance.

At first we deeply try not to talk about anything.
But when it's too hard to bear, when we talked, more often from my mom, it's all about regreat.
Why we didn't take this move, why didn't try it, why we know it late, why we didn't pay attention more, why, why, and never ending why.
Honestly I did having a conflict with my mom, hearing all the why, also feels like hearing all the blame. I feel so sensitive with all the why.
I want to buried that "Why" deeply, I want to forget it.
Cause I afraid, all my decision regarding to my brother illness, actually can be better. It's means from the start, I always questioning my self about that "Why".
Till one point when my brother left us, I try to stop, asked forgiveness from Lord, and wish for God mercy for helping me relieve from the self regreat.

When I was a child, I think I'm having a happy life.
The first turbulance in the family when my Daddy suddenly decided to move to Jakarta. It's feel hard. I knew when my Daddy need to wake at 2am and sold the cake to midnite mass market. If my mom used to brought my chinese new year dress from mall, now I need to buy it from tradisional market with a cheap price.
One night my Dad went home and shocked because his friend cheat and took away his money. That lil money might not means anything, but that all we have.
But we can endure it, cause we have full as family. There was Dad, Mom, me, bro and 2 lil sisters.

The first thing that happen that make this Family won't be the same anymore was My Dad pass away because of car accident.
Who ever dream about losing the parent? We still in the age of needing them very much. Even till we old, we still wish to having them with us.
For half year I saw my mom kept crying, look like insane person. I couldn't do much, just facing a school task was already a big matter for me at that time.
Once my bro told me that during those day, there one time my mom hug him and cry. There was an incident where my mom money got cheat also. She tought someone will help her, cause she need to feed the child.
Economically, it's harder. Still God always fulfill our need. Not much, not less also. Still there was people in our big family who kept their eyes and help for us.
Again, after years we have used to live without Dad.

I guess 2012 was the years for us. The first ever family outing out of town together.

Then mom got cancer, yet we still have hope and fight together, at least we know the survival rate was at least "years".
This moment open our eyes, you never know when ur life will end, how we live our life then?!.

I guess this also lead to my brother decision for learning theology in 2013.
We was so happy sending him to seminary in August 2013. It was just a year ago.

Who knows what will happen to August 2014?
He didn't attend the seminary, but he lay down in the bed, struggling day to day with the illness, a skinny body, a big tummy, a weak feeling, losing an appetite.

Yes, looking at him, really broke my heart.
When he couldn't bath him self anymore in June, the first time I help him, he sit beside the bed, then using a wash towel, when I touched his body, it was all bone, nothing left.
I wanna cry out loud at that time, but I hold back, cause I think he have cry harder in his heart already. Even calvin having a shock only looking of his body. Even mom never have a courage to wash his body.

With God, facing my brother illness, actually, I couldn't asked for more.
If God given 6months for us, personally I shall be greatful.
Why?
I share the story now. In the past when my daddy pass away, I always have one prayer in my life, please, please if possible please never taken someone in my inner family in so sudden way. I'm very afraid of losing someone in that way. At least if possible prepare me for the situation if I need to say another goodbye.

If look at my brother physical condition, we feel very sorry and sad. But how he face his condition till the end, really amazed me. He feel sad cause he know his time will come when he need to say goodbye and seperate with us, yet he never blame God for anything.

I told the story about my brother, at year 98, when my Dad pass away in accident, actually me and my brother on the same car also with 2 cousins.
The accident took my Dad, and both of my cousins. Only left me with my brother.
He was only 14 years old.
The accident could took both of us also, but we have been given another chance of life.
Years after years have been given to my brother till he decided to giving his rest of life for God's work.

When everything over, I look back at my life, what I have done?!.
Looking at my life now, I feel ashamed.
Then, I didn't know how to maintain a better relationship with mom, cause everything seem bit hard, how to comfort my mom, while I couldn't hear her regreat about my brother. I feel depress somehow. There lot's of hard night sleep.

Yet, there God mercy.
When I visiting Malang, I have a chance for having counseling hour in there.
That the first time I told about the relationship between me, mom and my brother, the good and conflict, all discuss.
Even just an hour, I got to sense how my mom might feel, how her past might mold her as today. When it too hard for us to hear her story about our bro, it's ok to asked help from someone else. It need time even years for mourning and all normal.
Me, my self, have my own conflict with mom in my heart.
I need to forgive and forget it first before I could comfort her. I know I would never ever replace my brother place. Yet I wish she could see and accept me and my sisters who always try to do something to comfort her and wish for her happiness.

Another reflect moment was when in one seminar where I got reminded the purpose of creation is to glorify God. Our life to be called for glorify Him. Every person might have a different path, different situation, facing a different challange in life towards this goal.

Now, it was December 2014,
Mom been busy with us also. Me and Josh who got sick, Sista who waiting for baby, lil Sista with her work, a lot of Christmas event.
Mom have try to move on also.

I hope we could do a lil better day by day, have a fighting spirit, love one another, and most important, always seek God will in our life.

~ 7 December 2014